


Eta Carinae Nebula: NGC 2264

by linatrinch



Series: Carinae [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Christmas Fluff, M/M, Side Story, this is a tacked on bit from my main fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 16:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5423195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linatrinch/pseuds/linatrinch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer wants to enjoy the holidays with his baby girl and the man of his dreams, but Balthazar is still too broken and scared to begin any new traditions now.</p><p>A side fic for my main Balcifer fic, Eta Carinae Nebula. It can probably be read as a stand alone, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eta Carinae Nebula: NGC 2264

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Eta Carinae Nebula](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4057927) by [linatrinch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/linatrinch/pseuds/linatrinch). 



> I apologize for no updates to the main story this week. This little Christmas sidetrack took longer than I initially thought it would.
> 
> For those that haven't read Eta Carinae Nebula, it's is an AU fic where Balthazar is a successful tattoo artist with his own shop and makes out with a mysteriously handsome man at a bar. Turns out, that man is an astrophysicist college dropout who happens to capture Balthazar's heart immediately. Oh, and he's a single parent.
> 
> For those who have read the fic, this is basically an AU of that AU where everything is perfect and no one is hurt and everyone loves everyone and all is right in the world. Except Ruby's still kind of a bitch. And all of Balthazar's family is still pretty dead... Happy Holidays!
> 
> By the way, NGC 2264 is also known as the Christmas Tree Cluster.

After a couple of rounds of extremely satisfying sex, Lu shot up in Balthazar's bed like a bullet. “Shit, it's October!”

While the man sat there in a frozen panic, silence filled the loft until Balthazar decided to break the tension. “Love, are you all right?” He certainly had no plans of sitting up just yet.

“No, it's- it's-” His Luce stuttered, a hand going through his hair as he looked around the room. “It's almost Christmas! Shit!”

“... It's _October._ ”

“That's two months!”

“Three, love.”

“I usually finish shopping by fucking July.” Lu ignored his lover, opting to run a hand over his face again in grief. “What have I been doing all year?”

“Well, me, for one.” The strawberry blonde shot a glare to Balthazar's chuckles, so the other man took the hint and cleared his throat. “Luce, Christmas is three months away. Most people do their shopping on Black bloody Friday. You're fine. Besides, Santa won't be the only one getting the little one gifts this year.”

Lu finally looked back to him and slowly gave a tiny smile. “I know,” he sighed, “Thanks. I just... you know, try to make it good for her.”

“And you will again.” Balthazar nudged his foot against his love's thigh. “Don't fret about it, please. It'll work out.”

The strawberry blonde gave another smile, one not much bigger than the last, but at least a bit warmer, before finally laying back down. Balthazar quickly and happily wrapped his arms around him, trapping his Luce close. “What do you do for the holidays, anyway?”

The blonde raised a brow, but didn't bother opening his eyes now that he had the man of his affections back in his arms. “Work, typically.” It was an answer that few accepted, but he knew Luce understood. Whether he liked it or not, well- He changed the subject. “And you? Any traditions?”

Lu shrugged, “Michael was the first one of us to get an actual house, so the family usually gathers there on Christmas Eve to eat. Well, I say the family. Me, him, Gabe, and Lily... and whoever Mike's dating at the time.” Balthazar smirked. “I have a feeling Gabe might be bringing a guest this year.”

“Sam?”

His lover nodded. “I think they're getting kind of serious.”

At that, Balthazar couldn't help a laugh escape him. “If you ask me, I think they're still under the impression that we're all clueless as to what's going on there.”

“Yeah, probably,” Lu chuckled, before grabbing the blonde's arm and pulling away a little, presumably to look him in the face. “You wanna go with us?”

“You do realize we're still in October, love?”

“I know,” the other sighed, resting back against him again. “It'll be here before we know it, though. I mean, unless you plan to go spend it back in France.”

He shook his head. “I did once. Airline tickets are ridiculous that time of year... Besides, I don't know the lot of them all that well anyway. I typically spend the holiday's here.”

Lu readjusted himself against him, getting both of them more comfortable. “Well, if you aren't doing anything,” he murmured quietly, “I'd really like it if you went with us.”

Balthazar smiled, but didn't provide an answer. For all intents and purposes, the matter seemed to be left at that.

As the holidays drew closer and Lu's stress level increased, Balthazar eventually offered for Lu to just hide all of Lily's presents at his place. Apparently it had become quite the task ever since the girl's fourth Christmas, when Santa accidentally arrived “early” yet somehow bypassed the tree and left all of her presents in her father's closet.

During his free time, when he wasn't working or spending time with his little family, Balthazar wrapped presents. Considering Lu couldn't seem to stop buying things and the blonde managed to match the amount of gifts, they had quite a lot. Mostly little things, items they thought were too cute to pass up, but there were two or three designated _big_ presents that were her actual gifts. He had managed to get through about a third of them before Lu wanted to go ahead and finish if Balthazar would keep the girl preoccupied for a time.

Keeping Santa's true existence a secret was more work than the blonde had initially anticipated. No wonder Lu was stressed. The closer the holiday got, the more questions the girl asked, and the more answers she didn't buy. More than anything, that seemed to stress his lover more. She was growing up. He seemed completely heartbroken about the whole thing.

But there was more to Christmas than Santa Claus, of course, and Balthazar decided to remind the girl of it with the time they had alone. That way when the jolly old elf finally puffed away in candy canes and glitter, Lily wouldn't be as broken up as Lu suspected. “How much baking would you say you do?”

“Baking?” The six year old tilted her head and furrowed her brow, a trait she undoubtedly learned from her father. “Uncle Gabe let's me help him sometimes. And daddy makes me a cake on my birthday. Sometimes cookies. I like the cookies.”

Okay, he's tucking away that adorable birthday cake tidbit for later. “Well, that's perfect, because I thought we'd make some.”

“Cookies?” Her little eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Not just any cookies,” he wagged a finger, moving over to Lu's kitchen and the bags he brought in earlier that Lily had asked a million questions over. “These are going to be gingerbread, and you can hang them on the tree.”

She stopped in her tracks, having followed Balthazar halfway to the kitchen only to look back at the tiny tree in the living room. “On... the tree?”

“Yep!” He just smirked without providing much of an explanation, pulling out some ingredients and white icing. “That's what fancy people do.”

Lily eventually padded over to his side. “You are fancy...”

“I know,” he chuckled, reaching down to pick her up and sit her on the counter for now. “You just prick a hole in them before they bake, put some string through them when you're done decorating, and voila! You have an edible tree ornament.”

She looked down at the items coming from his bag in concentration, but there was definitely interest in her eyes. “Won't they go bad? Daddy says cookies can't be left out. He says they'll go bad.”

“He's not wrong,” he explained, pulling out the cookie cutters and watching for a reaction. Predictably, her little eyes got bigger. “These will be a bit harder than your average cookie and should probably be ate within a day or so. I never found out the expiration date. I used to eat them immediately.”

That idea seemed to stick in her mind from the sage nod he received. She looked from the cookie cutters to the icing to the piping bag and back to the cookie cutters. “We're going to make them pretty?”

“Well, they're ornaments for the tree. They have to be beautiful. And if we get one that happens to be a critical failure, then I suppose we'll just be forced to eat it.” Finally, her confusion was turning into excitement as a grin split her face. He held up the small bag of cookie cutters. “Which one you want to use? We can use them all if you like.”

“All of them!”

“All of them it is.”

He wasn't sure how long Lu would be stuck at Balthazar's loft, wrapping everything in sight, but he gave the man a good forty five minutes or so. That should be long enough for a batch or two.

After Balthazar measured everything out and Lily eagerly added everything, she demanded to be the one to stir. It took about thirty seconds before she decided that bit wasn't too fun and relinquished the task over to him, seemingly amazed at how quickly he could move through the tough mixture. Then he flattened the dough out, and allowed her to cut as many shapes as she wanted. Snowflakes, pine trees, snowmen, and deer heads seemed to be her favorites.

While they're first batch sat in the oven, Balthazar started to get the icing ready for them to pipe little designs. She watched him fiddle with it, a bit amazed and confused at the whole process before asking, “How'd you figure out that you could put cookies on a tree, Balthazar?”

His smile grew smaller, a bit fonder, but he didn't look to her. “I used to do this with my mother and siblings when we were young.”

“Siblings?”

“My brother and sister. We'd do this every Christmas.”

She gasped a bit at that revelation. “You got a brother and sister? Like daddy's got Uncle Gabe and Uncle Mikey?”

He suddenly didn't like this conversation, realizing belatedly that he had hoped this wouldn't come up. “I suppose so, but I don't see them anymore.”

Lily deflated, looking to him sadly. “Why not?”

“They're very far away, little one.”

“You're mother, too?”

“Yes.”

When he finally looked to her, Lily had a pout that was a mile long. Whether she sensed that there was a touchy subject here or she was just a bit upset he hadn't seen his family, Balthazar didn't know. “Are you going to see them for Christmas?”

He bit his lip and looked away again. “No, darling. I'm staying here for Christmas.”

At that, she pipped up. “With me and daddy?”

Balthazar looked back to her in a shock he really shouldn't have had. He just said he was staying. Why wouldn't he be with the two of them for the holiday? He and his Luce had dated for almost a full year now, the entire family knew him, and it was no secret how well he and Lily got along. It would probably be weird if he didn't stay with them for Christmas day, and yet it hadn't really occurred to him until now that it was expected. He opened his mouth, not knowing what would come out, when the oven timer went off. A distraction. Thank, God.

It felt wrong to think of an excuse to stay _away_ from his little family for a few days, but he told himself that Lu would understand, as he pulled the cookies from the oven. “They have to cool, but we can decorate them in a bit,” Balthazar looked to her, hoping she forgot the earlier question.

“Let's cut some more out!” she happily exclaimed, reaching feebly for the cookie cutters again. He smiled at her, almost forgetting his earlier distress. Thankfully, she seemed to have forgotten... or just assumed the worst.

* * *

Between himself, Balthazar, and his damn brothers, Lily had just way too many presents. He used to use the, “don't get her that or you'll spoil her,” lecture, but it didn't work back then and it sure as hell wouldn't work now with his lover in the picture. He could almost picture the blonde doubling over in laughter at him. But it was better than having too few, so Lu took the hit. The first couple of Christmas' hadn't been very plentiful what with him being a college dropout, so he'd do anything to make sure his baby had a wonderful Christmas, even if it was through material goods.

With his project finished and packed quite snug into the trunk of his car – which took several aching trips up and down the elevator – Lu walked through his door with a sigh, immediately being struck with the smell of gingerbread and laughter from the two loves of his life. A happy smile found it's way on his face, one devoid of all the stress the holidays always put on his shoulders. “I'm back.”

“Daddy!” As usual, he heard her voice before she appeared, but he didn't receive a running hug this time. Instead, she quickly padded over to him and reached her arms up to show him something. “Look! Look what me and Balthazar did! They're ornaments for the tree!”

He had to blink at the cookie in her outstretched hands for a second, recognizing a snowman somewhere in the white mess of icing. “Did you decorate that?”

“Yep! You like it?”

“I love it, baby,” he smiled, noticing the hole punched into the top hat with twine making a loop through it. He'd heard of some people doing this for Christmas, but had never actually seen it done. Who puts cookies on a tree, anyway? They're much better when ate. Either way, though, he wasn't about to complain. It was a neat little activity he hadn't thought of doing with her before, so he was more than pleased that Balthazar had shared it with her.

She grabbed at his hand to tug him towards the kitchen. “We made more! Come see. We were going to hang them before you got home.”

“Yes, love,” Balthazar himself chuckled right before he came into Lu's line of sight. He looked a little messy from the cooking and decorating, but there was too bright of a smile on his face for the strawberry blonde to care. “You ruined the surprise.”

“Oh, well, I'm sorry.” He laughed, not bothering to hide how not sorry he was to be back home to the both of them. In one motion, Lu bent down and picked Lily up to rest on his hip as he made the rest of the way to the kitchen. “All right, little bit. Show me what you did without me.”

She eagerly pointed to the two trays of decorated cookies, and it was horribly easy to tell which ones Lily had done and which Balthazar had done. But to every one of the tattoo artist's cookies, the girl had about five. “Balthazar's cookies are pretty,” she pointed out, noticing the difference.

“I like yours better,” the blonde admitted, and Lu didn't think for an instant that he was lying. “Which is your favorite, darling?”

“That!” She pointed to the snowflake closest the Balthazar, one that looked like he had decorated seeing as how precise the points came out, but it had a bit more sprinkles on it than the others. Lu guessed the reason why before Lily even said it. “We did that one together.”

“It was the first,” Balthazar happily picked up the cookie and handed it to her. “Want to put it on the tree?”

“I want to eat it.”

The blonde let out a hearty laugh, handing it over. “Okay, sweet one.”

* * *

Lu had begrudgingly let her eat three of the damn things before they finally started putting the cookies on the tree. To be honest, he didn't mind her sweet tooth tonight. After all, she helped make them.

Balthazar stayed during the decorating and even helped put the girl to bed after the whole ordeal was cleaned up. She had admitted before that she liked it when the blonde tucked her in, so Lu was happy to know he wasn't the only one.

Once they finally had a moment alone, the strawberry blonde kissed him as deeply as he could, hoping beyond hope that Balthazar would decide to maybe stay the night. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, so he certainly didn't have to work. And then there was Michael's little Christmas get-together that he desperately wanted his lover to attend, just to make their relationship that much more official and permanent. It was family. It was special. He just needed him to be there with him.

But Balthazar pulled away with a smile and, somehow, Lu knew why. “Mmm... As well as you kiss, it's getting late.”

It's not like he didn't spend the night here before. Like he didn't have half of his wardrobe here. Lu couldn't find it in himself to get mad, though. He knew what this pulling away was about, but he had hoped that Balthazar would have been willing to face things with him and just let them all enjoy the holidays together. “I know,” he said instead of pushing the want of the other man staying the night. That didn't seem like it was going to happen. “I-... I just wanted to ask. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve and-... Well, I told you before that Michael does this thing with everyone-”

“I'm sorry, love.” Lu grit his teeth and tried to not show his disappointment. “As strange as it may seem, I really do have a lot of sketches to catch up on. I'm busy.”

Too busy for him. For _them_... No, he couldn't get angry over this. He knew why. “That's okay. I was just-... It's all right. It's just dinner.” Balthazar seemed to frown, but Lu tried another tactic. “What about Christmas Day-”

“I'm busy.”

Lu flinched that time. He hadn't meant to but, well, it kind of hurt to be rejected that quickly, no argument or excuse even being given. His Balthazar looked to the floor, pulling away from his touch. Dammit, he'd pushed too far with this. But- _Ugh._ He couldn't keep doing this. More importantly, Balthazar couldn't. Ghosts hung over him, and Lu _hated_ it. “Look, I-” Why was this so hard to get through? “I know you're scared, and I-”

“What?” Perhaps now he'd gone much too far. Balthazar shot his head back up to glare at him. “I'm not scared? Why would I be?”

“It's-” Ugh... Lu shook his head, deciding to just be fucking blunt about it. He didn't want his lover to be alone this Christmas. Not to mention that Lu didn't want to be without him. “I'm sorry. I know you're used to Christmas by yourself. That's okay. I just want you to know that I'm- _we_ are here.”

Balthazar pulled away from the strawberry blonde's seeking hand. “Lu, I'm fine. Why the hell wouldn't I be?” Well, because he just called him Lu instead of Luce or love, which was usually a strong signal that he was pulling away again. Then there was the sudden irritation...

Which, Lu could understand the irritation. He wouldn't want someone to fucking pity him either, but Lu wasn't and Balthazar had to be seeing that. For the most part, he allowed the blonde to slip away from him when a topic became too deep, too serious, even though he secretly loathed that there was a part of his lover that was so damaged, that he shielded it from everyone, even him. _Especially_ him. Lu didn't want an intervention or tearful confessions. He just wanted Balthazar to know he was there for him, that he could open up to him if he wanted. And if he didn't, then he should at least know that he didn't have to distrust him so badly... It hurt, really. A rejection to enjoy Christmas with them was one thing, but this was just him pulling away again. Like Lu didn't know him at all, and Balthazar wanted to keep it that way. It hurt. “You have a family here,” he said in a more hushed voice, afraid of going over that line again yet plowing on anyway, “that's all I'm saying, and we'd love it if you wanted to spend Christmas with us.”

“Stop trying to guilt me, Lu,” the other practically growled. “I'm busy.”

Dammit, he was angry. Lu hadn't seen him this angry before. Shit. “I know you are. It's okay. I understand.” But maybe any emotion was better than nothing. “I just don't want you thinking you're alone anymore.”

Balthazar's eyes flashed, almost snarling back with grit teeth. “I don't need you, all right? Now bloody stop.”

Lu was so shocked by the quiet outburst – _I don't need you_ – that he didn't notice Balthazar was leaving until the other man was halfway to the door. “Wait, Balthazar. Please-” The door closed quickly behind him, leaving the strawberry blonde horribly alone.

* * *

It should have come as more of a shock when Lily admitted that Balthazar learned about the cookie thing from his mother, that they used to do it every year when he was younger. Maybe that's why he exploded like that. There was already too many emotions floating around before Lu even entered the room.

But it was getting harder and harder for Lu to rationalize what his lover had told him. _He was just angry. He didn't mean it like that._ An old professor in college told him to always remember what people said when they were angry, because it was how they really felt. And Lu didn't think that Balthazar was just pulling at straws to find a way to hurt him back, either. He meant it more or less like he had said it. He didn't need him, not during Christmas, not to baby him. He just-

_Stop._

They hadn't so much as exchanged a word since then. Sadly, Lu figured that Balthazar would wait until the 26 th  before calling like nothing had happened. Or he just wouldn't call back at all. Lu wanted to contact him _desperately_ , but he didn't want to rekindle that anger again. He had to leave the next move up to the blonde. He didn't know what else to do.

But what if that move was to break up? What if he finally pushed too far? What if every fear he had from the start was finally coming true, at Christmas of all the damn times? _I don't need you._

Gabriel opened the door of Michael's home with a happily shocked face that was more mockery than anything. “Lily!” he yipped, completely ignoring his brother, “My goodness, funny seeing you here!”

The girl giggled at his side. “Hi, Uncle Gabe!”

“Hey, chipmunk!”

The youngest Pellegrino hardly had time to think of another comment, before a much taller person appeared behind him with a fake roar, immediately scooping up the still giggling girl. “What cha doin', squirt?” Sam asked her with a big smile. Of course Sam was here, just like Lu predicted. And, no, he didn't mind. Sam, Dean, and Cas were basically family to them anyway, no matter who they dated. It just made him miss Balthazar all the more. He wished the other man was here for this.

“Daddy says we're here to eat,” Lily laughed, “I made cookies yesterday with Balthazar, but they're on the tree. We couldn't bring them.” Well, they could have, but the girl had hinted at it which left Lu without having to give an answer. It was stupid to not want to bring them, but he just didn't want last night's memory hanging on him right now.

“Cookies on a tree?” Sam chuckled. “By the way, I talked to Dean this morning down at the news station. They're tracking Santa's movements as we speak.”

Lu caught a gasp and sparkling eyes from her as Sam carried her further into the house. That's when Gabe turned to him with a smile that dimmed almost as soon as he got a good look at his brother... Damn, he probably looked just as good as he felt right then, but his little brother seemed to catch on quick. “Where's your better half?”

“He couldn't make it,” Lu answered, shrugging past his brother. That was a conversation he really didn't care to have.

But Gabriel, as he closed the door, gave him a way too sarcastic look. “What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Lucy, you're sulking.”

“I'm not-” Gabe crossed his arms over his chest, making Lu sigh. Maybe it's just best to get it over with here. “We, uh,” he scuffed his boot against the welcome mat, “We kinda had a fight last night.” Was it a fight? They never fought before.

His brother frowned, somehow looking shocked by the answer given to him. “Really? You two?”

“What? Couples can't fight now?”

“Well, no, it's just- I mean, you two don't really seem to do that sort of thing. At least not this bad.”

“What makes you think it's bad?”

Gabe frowned. “He's skipping out on Christmas dinner because of a fight and you're saying it's not bad?”

Lu must have made a face, because his brother suddenly looked apologetic, but he didn't give him time to recover. “He didn't want to come before that happened. It's... sort of what we fought about.”

Those big brown eyes looked like they were going to fall out of his head. “Hell, Lu. If he didn't want to come-”

“Gabe, stop. It's not what you think. I didn't push it like that.” At least not in the way his brother thought. “That just led up to the whole thing, okay? He was scared of doing this, and I confronted him on something I shouldn't have.”

“Scared? Of us?” Gabriel didn't seem to be buying the answer, which he still didn't understand and Lu really didn't want to explain _that_.

“Not of you guys. It's... Christmas, family, dinners, joy of the season, that kind of thing.”

“Well what the hell does he usually do for Christmas?”

“Work.”

“And his family's cool with that? Where are they?”

Most families were in this day and age, though it was obvious by his accent that Balthazar was a long way from where he was raised and everyone knew it. But this was something that had been confided in him, something he had no intention of repeating. So when Lu said nothing, giving a bit of a glare to his younger brother, he seemed to have caught the message. “Oh... Um-”

“Don't worry about it. I'll... talk to him.” Eventually. Maybe. Lu left to join the rest of the party, trying to run away from that conversation.

* * *

“Hello?”

“ _Merry Christmas, Balthazar.”_

The blonde looked around his loft, rubbing his eyes from very little sleep the night before. “You realize you're a day early, right?”

“ _I know,”_ Cas answered him through the phone, _“but with me and Dean in Hawaii to see my family... I just didn't really know if I'd have time tomorrow to be honest with you, so... Merry Christmas!”_

He could almost laugh at his dear friend. “Merry Christmas, Cassie.”

There was a pregnant silence on the other line that was a bit unexpected until, _“Wait, what happened?”_

Balthazar sighed and turned from his desk. A pile of God awful sketches littered the floor around him, which wasn't terribly surprising. He had started when he got back from Lu's the night before and... hadn't really stopped. He didn't want to think about it. As soon as the door closed behind him, he knew what he had said. When he had gotten into his car, he knew he needed to go back. As usual, he had done nothing, all because he didn't want to think about it. “Nothing.”

“ _Balthazar.”_

“I, uh-... It's nothing, Cas.” There was no response on the other end, and the silence ticking by was almost excruciating. “I... fucked up. Badly, I think.”

“ _What happened?”_

He told his friend too much. Castiel was always a constant in his life, always being willing to talk and listen. It was too easy for Balthazar to just pour his heart and soul to the man, but he had been trying to not do that anymore. If he absolutely needed a confident, he had his Luce. Only... now- “I don't know. We had a fight.”

“ _You and Lu?”_

No. Not really. “It was me, Cas. I-... He was trying to be sweet, inviting, and I might have been a bit cruel... I told him I didn't need him, and left before I could see what I'd done.”

“ _Why would you-”_ The line went quiet again as Castiel thought about it. _“Do you want to break up with him?”_

“No!” The answer came out harsher than he meant it to be, trying to tell himself that Cas wasn't accusing but curious. “No, no. I- I'm sorry. I hadn't meant it like that. I didn't know what the hell I was saying. He was just- He was trying to make me spend Christmas with him and-”

“ _Oh.”_

“I got scared,” Balthazar finally admitted, “And he knew it, and he was trying so hard to be gentle, and I couldn't come up with anymore stupid excuses, but I didn't want him to know either, and I kept telling myself that he'd understand... Fuck.”

“ _You haven't talked to him since, have you?”_ He didn't bother to answer that one, because of course he hadn't. He was still scared, but last night had bothered him. Why would he say something like that? He needed Lu more than most people needed a partner. He _needed_ his family. Why in the hell would he say that? _“I think you need to call him. Neither of you should go through Christmas like this.”_

“I'm too afraid.”

“ _Of the whole Christmas thing?”_

He was still afraid of that, but- “Of losing him... Cas, I- I think I really fucked up. I think I really, really fucked up.”

“ _You need to talk to him.”_

“What if he-”

“ _You_ need _to talk to him.”_

He should have gone to Michael's. Lu had wanted so badly for him to go. It meant so much to him, and Balthazar knew it. A glance to his clock told him it was too late to go now. He didn't even know where Michael lived. His Luce wouldn't even want him there, anyway. He wouldn't even want to look at him.

“ _Balthazar, listen to me.”_ He sunk lower over his desk, faintly listening to the voice on the other line. _“Hang up and call Lu, you understand?”_

“He won't answer.”

“ _Try. It's not over yet.”_

“Cas, he-”

“ _You know more than most how important it is to not leave things unsaid. You can't let go of this all because of something hurtful you told him when you were afraid. Don't let fear do this to the both of you. You don't know what tomorrow might bring, so try to make sure there's no regrets, okay? You know this.”_

Balthazar swallowed and looked again to the clock. “What if I lose him? It'll be the biggest mistake of my life.”

“ _Then don't lose him.”_

He swallowed hard again... _Fuck._ “I need to go.”

“ _Text me later.”_

Balthazar firmly hung up and, before he could lose any resolve, called Luce. As suspected, it went straight to voicemail... Dammit... Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. He'd fucked up so badly. What had he been thinking? Why hadn't he called sooner? What the fuck was wrong with him? He could lose him. He could lose everything. That was such a stupid fucking- Balthazar grabbed his keys.

* * *

During dinner, Lu had turned his phone off out of politeness despite how badly he didn't want to. The only reason he hadn't turned it back on was because of the dread he'd feel when there were no messages. And there wouldn't be. He knew that much.

Lily had gone up to the tree as soon as they got home, taking a cookie down and nibbling on it as she stared up at the ornaments... He had been trying to avoid this conversation, but Lu walked up to stand beside her anyway.

“When's Balthazar coming?”

Figures. He gave the best smile he could. “I told you, Lil. He's busy today.”

“He's not coming tonight?” Lu shook his head. “What about tomorrow? He'll miss Santa.”

Fuck. Why'd they have to pick now of all times to fight? Not like Balthazar would have come by anyway- No. No, he can't get mad about that. He _knew_ why. “I think he's going to be busy tomorrow, too.”

A deep frown suddenly appeared. “All day?” He nodded. “But he said he'd be here for Christmas, that he wasn't going to visit his family.”

“He might be at his home, baby, but I don't think he's coming here.”

“Oh.” She pouted a little and glanced to the tree. “Are we going there?”

“I don't think we'll see him at all tomorrow. He's,” Lu scuffed his boot against the floor again, “really busy right now... but I happen to know he's sending presents for you tomorrow.”

And he knew that wouldn't be good enough. Being the only kid in the whole damn family meant she was spoiled like it was no one's business, but her love for people outweighed that, especially when it came to her best friend. “Okay,” she simply answered, nibbling on the cookie. He could see the questions behind her big eyes, but a knock at the door thankfully put that to rest. Instead, she was straining her neck to the door, trying to see.

Lu put a hand to her shoulder, unsure who it was since he just saw his side of the family and Dean was in Hawaii with Castiel. “Stay here, baby.” She pouted at him, but did as told as he approached the front door.

Surprisingly, he opened it to find Balthazar. Red eyed, nail biting, shifting in place- He seemed to look up to him with as much shock as Lu felt. “Oh God, Luce, I'm so sorry.”

Before he could remind himself that he didn't know where they stood, that he should probably just be angry after all, Lu moved forward in one motion and enveloped him in a tight hug. Just... thank goodness he showed up.

But the blonde, even though he held him, too, was still babbling with a strained voice. “I know how much that dinner meant to you. I'm so sorry that I was being such an ass. And last night, I didn't mean it, Luce. I don't know why I said that. I'm so so sorry. I need you so badly, my love. I'm so bloody sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I need you. I'm so damn sorry.”

“It's okay.”

“No,” Balthazar shook his head against Lu's shoulder. “No, it's not okay. I went too far. I shouldn't have said something like that. I don't know what I was thinking. I regretted it the moment I said it, Luce, but I was still too damn scared. I'm so sorry.”

“I shouldn't have tried pushing you.”

“You weren't! I'm just an ass-” Tired of the constant berating, Lu pulled away enough to raise his lover's face to his own and kiss him. The world melted for a moment, and he could feel his lover sigh against his lips. Finally. _Finally_ , he felt at peace with him again.

When they did separate, Balthazar spared a moment for a few deep breaths before opening his eyes. He swallowed, blinked hard, and quietly asked, “Can I come in?”

The last thing Lu wanted was for his lover to feel like he had to tough out Christmas just to make it up to him when he wasn't ready to do this. “Are you sure you want to?”

Blue eyes melted into sadness, like the mere thought of any other option stung him. “More than anything.”

Lu stepped back, gently tugging the other man inside with him.

* * *

Lily was more than happy to see Balthazar and thankfully manged to provide a great distraction from what had occurred the previous day. It was only when they were both in bed – after _finally_ putting Lily to sleep with how hyper she was for Santa passing in the morning and making a team effort of getting all of her presents under the tree – that Balthazar decided to bring back the apologies, though in a more hushed tone. Lu managed to kiss the guilt away again. He didn't care about what was said anymore. Balthazar was here. That's all that mattered.

The morning came in the form of a Lily shaped cannonball plummeting into their bed. While she chattered away, Balthazar looked at the clock to check the time. Lu just glanced at the window to make sure it was daylight. It was, which was the only reason he didn't grumble about Lily tugging on his arm.

Thankfully, whatever woes the days before had wrought seemed to be beyond Balthazar's state of mind now. He was nothing but smiles as he sat down with Lily in front of the tree, Lu merely taking a place beside him and allowing the two of them to handle this whole thing. His lover reached under the tree first, eyes bright again as he grabbed a present. “Let's see what Santa brought you, love.”

He wasn't scared anymore. He was back to being just like he always was, and Lu couldn't help but scoot a little closer to him. There was nothing more he could be thankful for.

So Lu was perfectly blissed out when things happened before he even knew it. His only indication of anything was his little girl's voice, “Santa brought you something...” Santa did what?

The strawberry blonde leaned forward as Balthazar quickly turned his head to lock eyes with him. The little box in his hands-... Fuck, he forgot about that. He had shoved it in with Lily's presents when both of them had been preoccupied with cookies, not foreseeing everything that would happen between them in the coming days. Now, after everything, Lu was pretty damn sure his lover somehow wouldn't appreciate the gift.

“Open it!”

Lu bit his lip as Balthazar turned back to the box, doing just that. The other man froze, unsure of the reaction he was about to get... How could he forget about this? Dammit, he was so preoccupied with making Balthazar feel better last night that he hadn't even thought of putting it away again. This was too soon. Just yesterday, he didn't think they'd be anything at all. He couldn't have just gone and gotten him the sketchbook and watercolors? Why did he once think this was perfect?

With the ribbon dispatched of, Balthazar took off the lid and froze just the same, the silver rings glittering from the lights on the tree. Suddenly, he felt the insistent need to explain. “It's been about a year, and we never talked about it. It doesn't have to mean anything big. I just... wanted physical proof of the commitment here... for both of us... And if you want it to mean something big, then-” He abruptly stopped... This was the second time he had ever seen Balthazar crying. A coldness crept through his skin. Why did he ever think this was okay?

The girl pouted, shocked at seeing the blonde crying at all. “You don't like it?”

Quickly, Balthazar shook his head, a hand darting to wipe away the tears as he laughed through it. “No, I- I love it... I love it so much... Thank you.” Now he was smiling, but the tears were still coming as he laughed again. Lily looked confused by the actions, but Lu could have sagged with relief, leaning forward to place a kiss on his lover's neck and wrapping his arms around him. Balthazar pushed the box aside to hold him closer. “I love you.”

The girl leaned forward to wrap her arms around him, too, but her face looked so serious that the blonde had to laugh at her, too, before sweeping her up and hugging her between them, placing a kiss on the top of her head. “I'm sorry, little one.”

“You're still crying.”

“I know,” he laughed again. “I'm okay, I promise. I'm okay. I love you.”

“We love you, too.”

Lu kissed the edge of his lips, pulling away enough to look him in the eyes. “We love you a lot.”

Balthazar nearly dissolved into giggles, yet somehow started to cry harder. It took a minute until he seemed to force himself together, demanding that they get back to the presents. Once satisfied he was okay, Lily did so with relief and excitement, missing how Balthazar took the rings out of the box and happily put one on. It was too easy for Lu to let his fiancé take his hand and slip the twin on his finger.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I went there.
> 
> Anyway, Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, all that jazz. Thanks for reading.


End file.
